Shilpa Pulapaka
I heard somewhere from one of the million (ok, may be I exaggerate…) coaches and self development mentors I have been following that:
Feeling stuck in life is actually a signal that a big change is about to come your way. Your job is to let it. Don’t resist.
The way I see it, if you are stuck any way — a change, any change, is a good thing. It was for me.
Let me start with some context.
One beautiful Sunday afternoon, I was having a lovely lunch with a friend. We were chatting away happily (or that’s what I thought) and enjoying our food when, my friend pointed out that I had complained about 5 different things in the span of an hour. She was concerned — not unkind. Yet, her observation was enough for me to stop me in my tracks – figuratively speaking. To add a little more context — at the time, I was unemployed, had a few health issues and generally had nothing going on in my life.
So that lunch was pretty much the only good thing going on for me at the time.
It was a beautiful day. The food was great. I was with a really nice friend. Yet, I wasn’t enjoying myself. Without realising it, I was wasting this small but wonderful experience by focussing on the bad things in my life. AND, though she didn’t say it then, I was ruining my friend’s day too.
I did a bit of thinking that day and it made me realise, I wasn’t happy with my life in general. What was worse, I spent more time feeling sorry for myself than doing something – anything – to fix it.
Thanks to my friend’s observation that day, I was shocked into introspection. In that moment of shock I must have made up a resolution subconsciously because, as soon as I got home from that lunch, I began researching on ways to feel better.
There is of course more to this story but, the story is dry and the details mundane!
However, through this searching and self-help, I stumbled upon the concept of a ‘growth mindset’ and it changed my life!
So what does a growth mindset mean?
A growth mindset basically means to believe things like:
I can learn and grow from my experiences and challenges.
I may not be doing well now, but I can do better.
All experiences, good and bad, help me learn and grow.
According to my research, this is what is needed for personal growth and attaining success in life. Books, coaches, motivational speakers drill it in time and again — if only we are willing to listen. Every book I read and every life coach I followed said – It is the mindset of the successful and the happy.
I wanted to try it. I was feeling so stuck and helpless at that point in my life, I would have tried anything.
What did I practice to get into a growth mindset?
Notice I use the verb ‘practice’ rather than ‘do’ here. Getting into a growth mindset is a practice. It didn’t happen overnight. I had to practice this mindset regularly, against my natural instinct, before I could be fully comfortable with myself. But, it was worth it!
What did I do, you ask? Read on!
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Say yes to challenges: Where I would normally avoid taking on difficult jobs (as a freelancer, I had that flexibility), I am accepting jobs I know I would have to work hard on. I take up jobs that require me to read a lot, to prep a lot, and require time to set up.
This not only teaches me to be resilient, but also gives me the opportunity to expand my thinking and skill set. As a result I went from ‘I can’t to this’ to ‘let me try it another way’. I began to see challenges as opportunities to grow and learn.
I even learnt to be ok with failure. Where I come from, failing at anything was worse than a crime! So I just stopped trying anything new out of fear of failing! But now that I learnt to take failure in my stride, it made ALL the difference!
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Be ok with criticism: Growing up, any feedback I got from others was to point out flaws in me. So, over time, I started to cringe even when I got constructive criticism. I came to believe that, any feedback (that wasn’t positive) must be a personal attack.
It was very difficult at first, but I did learn to view feedback differently. I began to view feedback — even harsh criticism — as an opportunity to learn and grow. In the process, I learnt where to spend my energy. More importantly, I learnt ways to conserve my energy.
Once I realised I was living my life with the disease ‘what will people say’, I wanted to be free of it! Thanks to this quote I read somewhere — ‘unless you are feeding me, clothing me or housing me, your opinion of me doesn’t matter.’ — I learnt to not give a F*** .
As soon as I learnt to not care — all the toxic people in my life, the unhappiness, the resentment and all the negativity I was carrying around FOR YEARS – simply vanished! Just. like. that.
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Cultivate a passion for learning: Learning was one thing I didn’t have to work hard on. I developed a love for learning at a very young age. I was curious by nature as a child so, I fed that curiosity with plenty of reading and learning. I continued this into adulthood.
Though, I am more focussed and purposeful in my learning now. I seek out new knowledge and experiences that I know will add value to my life and will help me achieve my goals.
I read books, attend workshops/conferences, speak to people who can teach me things, and take courses that challenge me. Continuously learning helps keep me busy so, I have little time to spend on anything negative or energy wasting.
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Celebrate progress: As a child I was taught that, to celebrate my success, good grades, wins etc was an act of gloating. I was often admonished by people around me for ‘showing off’. So, I had to learn to suppress the urge to celebrate anything at all.
See, it was only much later, but I realised — That’s extremely unhealthy! I killed my ‘inner child’ to fit in and, without realising it, became resentful. That would explain my complaining and self-pity.
Not anymore! Now, I pat myself on the back for every effort — big or small. If I made the effort, I acknowledge it. I even made it a habit to do something nice for myself if I achieved something particulary big or difficult.
This means, I am no longer looking for validation from others. I am happy and content in myself. Even better, by celebrating my own wins I can genuinely be happy for the achievements of people around me too.
Cultivating a positive and growth-oriented mindset comes from a place of healing. Healing myself, by indulging in self care and celebrating myself, helped me have a more positive view of the world around me.
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Practice gratitude: This is probably the most important step in self development — being grateful. It is so easy to fall back into a spiral of self-pity.
So, now, everytime I am unhappy about something and want to complain, I try thinking about the positive aspects of my life in that moment. If things aren’t going well and they are out of my control, I try not to delve into the feeling of helplessness. Instead, I try to focus on ways I can improve the situation; or at least, I try distracting my mind for a little while.
I also made it a point to start and end my day with listing out my achievements and my goals. If I had no achievements recently, I focus on the experiences that made me feel happy in the past.
It sounds sappy, I know — But this gives me a serotonin boost each morning and night. So I wake up and go to bed feeling content. This helps me stay motivated and optimistic, even in the most difficult times. I cannot emphasis the benefits enough! The only way to know this feeling is to experience it yourself.
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Spend time on self-reflection: Last but not at all the least, spend time in reflection! My journey into a growth mindset began as a result of self-reflection. Had my friend not pointed out my complaining, on that Sunday afternoon — I would have gone about my life without a second thought! Who knows where I would have been then! I never ever want to be that person, again.
So, now, I religiously spend time to reflect on my thoughts, feelings, words and behaviours – at least once everyday. This helps me identify and own up to my thoughts and feelings. Once I acknowledge where I am lacking, I then proactively make changes to grow. It is a fool proof practice that I recommend to anyone willing to try! The catch is to learn to be objective. Address, Assess and Adapt is my motto now.
- Address the need for a change
- Assess the options and strategies available
- Adapt as appropriate
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So, there you have it.
Over the past 12 years, since having this epiphony, I feel like I have had a complete transformation. I am no longer that person I was on that fateful Sunday afternoon. I have worked very hard to become the person that I am today.
These are just some of the things I was able to achieve in the past decade or so — and am very proud of it!
- I am happier and healthier
- I am level headed (well, most days anyway 😊)
- I am in control of my life
- I am working towards my 5th university qualification
- I am creative and focussed
- I have a job that I love
- I deal with tough situations calmly and effectively
- I am a mum
- I am a home owner
- I travel (not as much as I used to, but still make a trip or two every year)
- I have the freedom to do the things I enjoy
- I actively practice mindfulness
- I am content!
- And….I am much better company (well I try to be most days🙈)!
This might not seem like a very impressive list to many reading; but look at it from the eyes of a lost 20 something year old woman — I’ve come a long way.
I know I still have a lot of growing to do and goals to achieve, of course. However, I truly believe that I was able to start this journey only because I conciously and proactively made an effort to shift my mindset to a growth mindset, which inevitably set me on this path of personal, professional, spiritual and financial growth.
And I am grateful for it!
Here’s hoping for continued and positive learning, growth and tranformation experiences to us all — onwards and upwards! 😊
For those interested, here are some good books on ‘Mindset’ (3 and 4 are great for teachers like me!):
- “Mindset: The New Psychology of Success” by Carol Dweck
- “Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance” by Angela Duckworth
- “The Growth Mindset Coach: A Teacher’s Month-by-Month Handbook for Empowering Students to Achieve” by Annie Brock and Heather Hundley
- “How To Developing Growth Mindsets In The Classroom” by Mike Gershon